So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
