I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
