In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
