it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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