im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
