Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
