...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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