if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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