So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize