The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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