I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
