I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
