Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
