I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you had me at cake vodka
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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