after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just had sex on a roof
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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