Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
