I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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