Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
