I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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