I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
