4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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