A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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