Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize