why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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