Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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