Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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