a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
