I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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