Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
