I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
