Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
