At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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