he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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