I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
