Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
