We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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