I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
