PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
