I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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