Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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