that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
