I molested 6 butterflies tonight
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
