Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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