Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
