I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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