Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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