The maid of honor just puked.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
