I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
should my penis look like a turkey
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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