walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
