Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
