At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
