i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
