I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
