Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize