I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
