I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you win again, gameday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
