my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
