The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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