Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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