dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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