I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
When are your genitals available?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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