he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
only you would photoshop your dick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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