I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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