To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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