i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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