why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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