If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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