my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
