Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
