Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
