Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
