if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
