I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
