That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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